James
A small message from James Hello there creatures, as you sit there reading this, you may wonder, “are all these stories, these outrageous achievements that are to follow really true?” The answer is yes, many great scholars have said that my adventures, my life, may well even rival the bible should they be put into words. This, my friends is a understatement of epic proportions. The bible wouldn’t sell nearly as much as my biography. So my fans, I hope you enjoy this short overview of the book I will be releasing later on, at a small price of $99.95. Smell ya laters, James. Excerpts From The Chronicles Of Nova A lot of people get confused when talking about the young James, stories of him going to school and playing in the park like normal kids are often used to tone down the actual facts of his life before creating Youtube videos. Early in his life James lived with his parents, a Circus midget and Bearded Lady, as part of a travelling circus that went from town to town spreading enjoyment to all the young children and their families. James was raised well-mannered, and honorable. He would often be seen handing fairy floss to orphans and homeless people free of charge. Then something changed. The Circus was loosing customers. Families no longer wished to take their children to see James dad be mangled and touched inappropiately by the lion, And no one was interested in his mothers beard. This upset James immensely, one day over his dinner of bread and cheese he turned to his mother and said “ Dearest Mother, tomorrow I shall go to the city, to see why the people no longer wish to come to the circus.” His mother looked grimly at him and forbid him to ever go near the city, “Wicked and terrible things live there.” She told him. That night James packed his bag with a few mementos and supplies, then after sneaking quietly past his snoring mother who was passed out at the table, he ducked out of the tent and headed off to the city. With in 5 minutes, James had himself a steady job as a Hotdog vender, a car and a nice flat overlooking the tip. But James didn’t mind the view for it reminded him of when the circus packed up to move on. Now you may find it strange that James at the age of 5 had his car license, but stranger things were afoot. While stopping to fill up gas one day he noticed the price had gone up. This displeased him greatly, and after researching what was going on he walked, from the gas station all the way to the Arabian desert to kick the Arabian Prime Minster in the nuts. Where it not for the countless eye witnesses and tv crews covering the story many would believe it not true, but then a mere 5 days later James arrived back at the gas station carrying behind him a cargo container filled with crude oil that he had be given by the Arabians in hopes that he would not impregnate all their females. By the Age of 20 James life had dropped in quality drastically. He no longer had his job as a hotdog vendor, he had a mortgage, 3 kids a alcoholic abusive wife and a drug addiction to horse tranquilizers. Long gone was the James raised by the circus, now in his place was the angry young man who would push old people down stairs, punch babies and start fights with dustbins for looking at him wrong. This dramatic decline also included many stints in rehab with Lindsey Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Charlie Sheen twice and also claimed that he was the one that gave Britney Spears her crew cut. These were some of James darkest times, but soon after one of his failed attempts to start his own space station, James came to what he called his awakening. Waking up one day on the side of the road covered in what looked like half eaten pineapples, broken beer bottles and 16 plucked chickens James realised it was time to get his life back in order. What followed was the montage of all montages, and in a matter of a few short scenes, James had cured cancer, brought peace to the middle east and now made videos and put them on the internet. Life it seemed had given James another chance. source :